


Fairy-Drabbles

by ulmo80



Category: My Crazy Ramblings
Genre: Dark Humor, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Fairy Tale Elements, Fairy Tale Retellings, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2019-08-22 15:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16600925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ulmo80/pseuds/ulmo80
Summary: Inspired by Roald Dahl's "Revolting Rhymes"





	1. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Micro-Cuentos de Hadas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14904582) by [ulmo80](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ulmo80/pseuds/ulmo80). 



> Thanks to my wonderful beta-reader Octamercuria

"Bring the accused ", growls the judge, an enormous polar bear, sat in the dais.

A tiny little girl with golden locks and a sleepy face comes in in chains, escorted by two grizzly bears.


	2. Hansel and Gretel

FAMILY COURT

ENCHANTED FOREST

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

“Your Honor, my clients request their Emancipation.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I’ve been watching Law & Order SVU too much.


	3. The Emperor’s New Clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un-betaed. This is a translation. English is not my first language.

Until the child, in his blessed innocence, expressed on words what everybody were seeing, the Emperor didn’t accept to have been fooled. “Well,” he thought bitterly while the procession went on, “at least they were right in something, it served to see I’m _unfit for my office_ besides being _unusually stupid_ for I paid heed to their words.” Of course, anything in the world would make him put his crown aside.


	4. Cinderella

“But child…

“No.”

“You will be queen.”

“I said no, godmother.”

“Think about your future.”

“That’s what I’m doing. How can I be with someone who mistakes me for my sisters? Three days, godmother. We talked for three days...”

“He’s oblivious...”

“Did you see the slipper?”

“Eh...”

“It was bloodied!”

“Perhaps he has vision problems...”

“It is made of crystal! How could he not see the blood? Did he not see that they were limping? They’re deathly pale. If it is not for you, we were in our way to the cemetery. They aren’t my favorite persons, but I don’t wish them ill.”

“But child...”

“I already said no. I rather prefer a farmer, a lumberjack, someone honorable with common sense, to a future dumb king.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a mix of the two versions I read as a child. Charles Perrault’s, with Fairy Godmother and sweetened story, and Grimm Brothers’, that traumatized my childhood. In this one, the sisters chop one her toes and the other a piece of heel, so they can wear the slipper, the prince takes them with him until a pair of doves tell him he has the wrong bride.


	5. Little Red Riding Hood

After four days of infructuous search by Crown Officers, it continues missing the Big Bad Wolf. He was seen last time the morning of last Wednesday, in the vicinity of the southern entrance of the Enchanted Forest, in company of the Little Red Riding Hood. His afflicted wife, Mrs. Wolf, offers a handsome reward for any information in regard of her husband’s whereabouts.

 

To be continued…

 


	6. Little Red Riding Hood (II)

During the celebration of the Royal Fashion Week, it was presented the new line of leather coats and accessories, Red and Hunter. The heiress of the family empire Red Inc., Little Riding Hood, has entered in style in the competitive fashion world, hand in hand with The Hunter, known by the quality of his products. The event was carried out in the Royal Halls, with the participation of The Granny, as Master of Ceremonies deluxe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must be I’m reading to many Game of Thrones fanfics because the moment I finished writing this drabble, I pictured Margaery as the Little Red Riding Hood and Olenna as The Granny xD...


	7. Rapunzel

Problems with your hair? Doesn’t your maid achieve to model it to your liking? Tired of listening you look like the Mother of Dragons for using low quality wigs?

If you want to stand out at the next Royal Dance, Rapunzel is what you need. Wigs created and stylized with Rapunzel´s own magic hair.

Use Rapunzel and you’ll find your dream Prince.

Call now to the 1-800-RAPUNZEL. Our operators are waiting. Guaranteed quality.

_The first 50 calls will get and additional wig, half the price._


	8. Trusty John

FAMILY COURT

ENCHANTED FOREST

THURSDAY, JULY 26

 

“Your Honor, aside from the Restriction Order against the King and his assistant, Trusty John, the Queen requires Full Custody of her children.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another Grimm Brothers’ sweet tale. If you already read it, you will understand the Queen’s reasons. Otherwise, here you go: <https://www.grimmstories.com/en/grimm_fairy-tales/faithful_john>
> 
> I have no idea of how this kind of trials work, so I beg you forgive my mistakes.


	9. The Three Little Pigs

The gang war that has been shaking the north of the Enchanted Forest took an unexpected turn yesterday, when were found the remains of The Big Bad Wolf. The conflict has already claimed many victims, including two of the leaders of The Three Little Pigs. According to confidential sources, the Eldest Brother had promised, and I quote: "a bloody finale", end of the quote, for those responsible of his brothers’ demise. The Crown Officers responsible for the investigation have not yet released the official report on the cause of death, but it is suspected that, if the Eldest Brother is proven guilty, the victim might have been scalded alive, preferred method of execution of the fearsome gang, whom he leads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only sweet thing that had the version of this story that I read as a child were the illustrations. In this, the wolf eats the younger little pigs, but the eldest brother teases him and in the end, when the wolf, fed up, gets into the chimney of the house, the damned pig waits for him with a pot full of boiling water, in which the wolf falls, the pig covers the pot and lets the wolf to die scalded.
> 
> This Big Bad Wolf is a distant cousin of the Little Red Riding Hood’s one xD ...


	10. The Puss in Boots

The Miller’s youngest son was depressed. However, the sadness that overwhelmed him because of his father’s demise was overruled by incredulity. The injustice the late man had made on his death bed had no name. A cat, A CAT. How was he to earn his living with a cat? What had he been thinking on?

Speaking of the puss, it hadn’t stopped trying to gain his attention, meowing, purring and rubbing against his legs. Nonetheless, he kept his gaze towards the floor. Suddenly, he felt a scratch in and arm that pulled him out of the self-pity well in which he was.

If he wasn’t already sit, lying down against a wall, he would have fell to the ground before the scene that developed next. He could swear the little animal had rolled its eyes ( _Can a cat show exasperation?_ ). And if that wasn’t enough, it stood up straight on its little hind legs ( _Was that even possible?_ ) and crossed the front ones over its chest ( _But what…?_ ). Then, with a grave, honeyed voice, amazing on such a small creature, the cat said: no

“Good Master, if you ceased to feel sorry, I need a pair of boots.”

 


	11. The Frog King or Iron Henry

“You have no idea how grateful I am to your daughter for she broke the spell that kept me prisoner, Your Highness. However, I’m afraid I must decline her hand. The Princess is beautiful, you’ll have to be blind to deny it, but that is not the only thing I look for in a wife, less in a queen. She is whimsical, does not keep her word, is cruel and, besides that, has a bad temper.”

To confirm these words, the moment the carriage that would take the Frog King back to his realm got moving, the crystal of its rear window cracked, because of the golden ball the Princess threw, in a tantrum, for having been spurned.

Then, the iron bars round faithful Henry’s heart broke, since he couldn’t be happier, not just for seeing his king free, but also because he would be a wise regent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the original version of this tale sets a bad precedent. I accept the frog is a little troll, but the Princess, who is a brat, keeps the big prize despite of her behavior. I’m not conviced that’s fair.


	12. Snow White

Dear Diary, the Queen is scaring me. She was the whole day locked in her rooms. I think she’s “spoken” again with the looking-glass. There are never good news after those “conversations.”

 

Dear Diary, it was frightening to watch the Queen during dinner tonight. Her meal consisted only of meat, it seemed it was lamb, almost raw. Trickles of blood ran by the corners of her mouth, but she licked her lips delighted.

 

Dear Diary, the Smith’s daughter has disappeared, she’s the fifth maid in a little more of two moons. Her parents are desperate, but the Queen, as in the other times, doesn’t allow them to start the search for her. I could barely taste a bite during dinner.

 

Dear Diary, between the disappearings and the Queen’s attitude, my soul has no rest. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I can’t breathe… I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! 

 

To be continued…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A moon is equivalent to one month.
> 
> This is the second version I wrote because, for some reason I can’t fathom, the computer "decided" to delete the original file. I rewrote it forcing my memory, with some tiny changes. I hope you liked it.


	13. Snow White II

Dear Diary, today occurred the most curious thing. The Hunter approached me while I was strolling in the garden and told me, out of the blue, that in five days he’s going to lead a hunting party towards the northwest region of the forest and, also, it will take him from six to twelve days to return. Interesting, very interesting.

 

Dear Diary, you have no idea how free I feel. I took refuge in a cave and use the light of a bonfire to write. I left this morning, as usual, for one of my daily horse ridings. Once I was sure nobody followed me, I looked for the provisions I’d been hiding. I changed my highborn clothes for peasant one’s, gather my hair under a kerchief and put a little dirt on my face as a way to disguise my features, just in case I stumbled on someone. I rode till dusk southbound, using natural lanes and avoiding known roads. I’ll continue first light of dawn. According to my calculations, I’m about fifteen leagues away of the border. It will take me at least two days to reach it, more that I would like, but I mustn’t use direct roads. Soon I’ll be safe from the Queen’s clutches.

 

Dear Diary, about five leagues after I crossed the border, I found a well-kept road that allowed me to advance quicker. I continued till dusk. I’m staying in a charming inn called The Seven Dwarves. It’s run by an elder man and his six sons; dwarves only as a nickname, the shorter is, at least, six and a half feet tall. I’ll continue first hour of the morning. The more distance there is between that lunatic and I, the better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A league has three miles.
> 
> I think I left myself carry away😝


	14. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

After three days, placing the body in a crystal coffin without embalming didn’t look like such a good idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble came out of a comment I read in Facebook, where somebody asked himself what would have happened if the prince didn’t find Snow White on time.
> 
> This Snow White is not related with the one on chapters 12 and 13.


	15. The Sleeping Beauty

“Get your hands off me, whipper-snapper. Why have you woken me up?”

“…”

“What spell?”

“…”

“Ha-ha, really funny.”

“…”

“How is that it isn’t a joke?”

“…”

“You fell of the cradle when you were a baby, didn’t you? You are a little old to believe in fairy tales.”

“…”

“Of course I was sleeping. Can’t anyone take a nap in peace?”

“…”

“IT’S CLEAR IT WAS A NAP!!!... Do you have any idea how tiresome it is to go up and down the stairs to the Highest Tower?

“…”

“First of all, it’s been a while since I last saw my dear aunt Muriel, she’s really old, doesn’t come down often and refuse to change her accommodations; besides, she insisted today on teaching me how to use a spinning wheel. And second, I was hiding from the dumb little prince Father wants to introduce to me.”

“…”

“Ahhhhh!!! Then I was right in hiding. Indeed, you are dumb. Cute, but dumb.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This damn little princess didn’t let me sleep xD… She awoke me in the middle of the night fighting with the prince, whose voice sounded just like the adults in Peanuts, a trombone in the background, that’s why he doesn’t have any dialog 😁


	16. Rapunzel II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An uncomfortable conversation

“Sweetling?” The husband stays at the threshold despite the fact the midwife has given him permission to enter.

“Yes?” The wife, tired after a day and a half of labor, but happy with her beautiful baby girl on her arms, barely acknowledge his presence.

“Do you…?” the husband clears his throat. “Do you remember the rampions craving you got a few moons ago?” The wife notes the tone and lifts her face, frowning as sole answer. “And… and that the only person in the village who cultivates them is the neighbor?”

Then, the alarms go off because the next thing the husband does is shrug his shoulders and take a hand to his nape, unequivocal signal that he has done some nonsense.

“Well…” he clears his throat again, “The thing is… she has come for the payment.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you go, Rapunzel was exchange for a salad. If you don’t believe me, here is the original tale: [Rapunzel](https://www.grimmstories.com/en/grimm_fairy-tales/rapunzel)


	17. The Pied Piper of Hamelin

Mosquitoes don’t let you sleep? Locusts destroy your crops? Rodents assault your pantries? If you’re tired of plagues, we deal with them.

The Pied Piper Plague Control. We eliminate any kind of pest that’s ruining your quality of life. 

_**Warning:** Once signed the service contract, comes into force the Hamelin Clause, which establish that, given the case you don’t cancel our services, we take your children._


	18. The Princess and the Pea

In spite of the agreeable and courteous treatment, I don’t recommend to spend the night. First of all, I had to climb a mountain of mattresses and comforters, so high I could almost touch the ceiling with my hand while lying down. In addition to the sense of vertigo and the fear of falling in the middle of the sleep, I felt as if I was being stabbed in my back, no matter what position I placed myself. I couldn’t close my eyes during the whole night. I give it 1 star out of a total of 5. 


	19. Peter and the Wolf

After numerous cancellations, yesterday took place the presentation of the famous heavy metal band The Wolf. However, despite the high expectations created by Peter, their manager, it was a small event, exclusive for their most tenacious followers, members of their fan club better known as The Sheeps.


	20. Pinocchio

Case 1503-B, Pinocchio. Fifteen years. He’s been with us since he was ten. He’s convinced he is a puppet made of wood, and he’s waiting for his Fairy Godmother to transforms him in a real boy. It is a quite interesting case, neither pharmacological treatment nor psychotherapy have managed to deter him from his obsession.


	21. The Twelve Dancing Princess

****Let it be known to all the men in the Realm, being them Knights or Princes, Nobles or Peasants, that the one who manage to uncover, in a time of three days with their nights, the mystery involving where the King’s daughters go to dance, will be compensated with the hand of the Princess of his choice, besides of being named Heir to the Throne.

 **Warning:** _In the same way it is informed that, in case of not give a satisfactory answer to the enigma, the pretender will pay his failure with his life._

 


	22. The Twelve Dancing Princesses II

The smirk that had graced the soldier’s face since he told the King what he had uncovered, had been vanishing with passing time. The not at all veiled and full of hatred glances his new wife and eleven, ELEVEN, sisters-in-law, directed to his persona made him feel that he had committed a terrible mistake. Even though, in a not so far away future, he would become the most powerful person in the kingdom, right there he couldn’t help but be afraid for his life. He didn’t want to imagine what these unscrupulous women could do to him; after all, they had let men die in the most horrific way, no matter if they were good or bad, as long as they could go party. In the seat of honor, surrounded by luxuries he had only dared to dream of, he would have given anything to be in a battlefield: at least there he would know how to defend himself.


	23. Blue Beard

CROWN OFFICERS HEAD QUARTERS

ENCHANTED FORREST

THUSRDAY, JANUARY 24

 

“Then… then I op… I op… I opened the door.”

“The door he forbade you.”

“Yes… and… and… and I…. I…. saw them…”


	24. Rumpelstiltskin

FAMILY COURT  
ENCHANTED FOREST  
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17

“Your Honor, the former Miss Miller promised me that, fulfilled my side of the deal, which I did, once she became Queen, she would give me her firstborn child.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t condone the deal made by the miller’s daughter, but at least she did it, in her desperation, to save her life and not as poor Rapunzel, who was delivered in exchange for a salad.


	25. Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves

INT. CAVE OF THE FORTY THIEVES – DAY

We are inside a cave, full till the roof with treasures: gold, silver, hangings, gemstones. KASIN (40), ALI BABA’s (38) greedy brother walks toward the entrance of the cave to look for the mules in which he will load the bags he has filled with gold coins. He stands in front of the entrance.

KASIN  
¡Open, barley!

It doesn’t happen anything.

KASIN (cont.)  
¡Open, bean!

Same result.

KASIN (cont.)  
¡Open, oatmeal!  
¡Open, rye!

There is no change in the surface of the wall.

KASIN (cont.)  
(he starts to despair)  
¡Open, millet!  
¡Open, buckwheat!

The entrance remains closed.

KASIN (cont.)  
(he increases the tone of his voice)  
¡Open, wheat!  
¡Open, rice!

The entrance is still closed.

KASIN (cont.)  
(he screams)  
Damn my short memory!

KASIN runs into the cave, looking for another way out.

NARRATOR (OFF)  
To avoid memory failure  
during stressing situations,  
drink Gingko Biloba infussions

A voice is heard from outside the cave.

CAPTAIN OF THE FORTY THIEVES (55)  
¡Open, sesame!

The doors open and the CAPTAIN OF THE FORTY THIEVES enters, accompanied by the remaining THIRTY-NINE THIEVES, swords in hand.

NARRATOR (OFF)  
Advertising sponsored by the Sherezade Foundation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While looking for medications that help improve memory, I found a specific one for stressful situations, which had Gingko Biloba as one of its active ingredients, perfect for this story.


End file.
